my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
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That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
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Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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