note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you traded sex for a burrito?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
We're too hungover to prance.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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