I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
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