I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
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the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
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Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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