I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
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Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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