Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
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its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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