This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
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the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
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Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Your penis caused this!
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