I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize