It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
If I die, sorry about rent.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize