I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
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You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
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