I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
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