i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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