remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
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So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
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Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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