she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
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aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
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I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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