It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
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Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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