i think i have two assholes
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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