I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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