Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
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our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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