At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
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I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
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All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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