She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
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i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
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IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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