I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
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My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
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