where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
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Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
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And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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