this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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