I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
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He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
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I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize