a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
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I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
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She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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