but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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