you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
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I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
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he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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