I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
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The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
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I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I'm really busy with my period
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