i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
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Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
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Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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