I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
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You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
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Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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