either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize