Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
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we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
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They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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