his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
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U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
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how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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