I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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