I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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