I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
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I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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