dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
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He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
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I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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