Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
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Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
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He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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