Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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