i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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