Heybabeimwearingurpanties
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
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