You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
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I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
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I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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