If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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