So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize