Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
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You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
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It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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