How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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