Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
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He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
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My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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