my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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