We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
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I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
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It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
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