I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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